Found Fiction From Facebook

Me forgetting headphones = me having to hear fourteen year old girls talk about how stupid their boyfriends are because they don’t have “swag”―fuck my life. The English language has been reduced to but a mere shadow of its former self. And all I hear: Wobbledy, wobble, wo-wo-wobble, wobbin’. That same moment you send a message to the person of topic―face palm, like a bag of crushed assholes. Get it while the gettin’ is good. And now for super vaudevilliany. I saved 3 bucks on a blender today. I had to kill 3 people to get it. Just living the minimum wage dream. Lmao UGH. My first attempt at jellyfish shots. Been free-boobin’ it all day. Pre-party yo! Now seriously regretting not getting that panda bear onesie. Guess it’s time to get my shop on. Bitches love cake. But, love is just greed. I hereby declare that I am Count Chocula. Baba booey. Baba booey. Baba booey. Sometimes when you’re stuck in traffic it helps to scream at the top of your lungs. I’ve been obsessed with Supersize vs. Superskinny lately. If that shit doesn’t send you running (quite literally) for the hills, nothing will. Like the guy at Safeway: “So my sister just got pregnant―I mean, whatever I guess, YOLO right?” Loling? That’s short for like lollygagging or something, isn’t it?

Be young. Be dope. Be proud.

Shots right away! I’m gettin’ a garbage disposer installed in the shower tomorrow. Yes, dinosaurs were created by the CIA to discourage time travel. FACT. Culture Fighter fights the drive. Oh dt―ur hilarious. And I read: Mars rover finds something. Head of mission says it will change history. No one says what it is―nobody says anything. At all. There are two self-promoting sides to every story. If v-neck was a colour, it would be my favourite. And here’s a casual talk:

Lyke Omg skyp3 me!
Broken, only u kay thx
Send pix

Damnit! They drew all over my face while I passed out drunk―I’m a horrible babysitter. And they say: Happy Birthday Mr. Dressup! Thank you for giving us the gift of tickle trunks worldwide! As part of Mr. Dressup Day you should add some new junk to your trunk! Nothing says Friday like a beer during your after work bowel movement. Didn’t see this coming, going to go pick up B from her period surgery. The weekend gives me so much ping pong power, it’s great. I killed a unicorn. Ahh the hypocrisy of the pro-lifers. What the F is cray cray anyways? The guy who named chimichangas should be given more authority to name things. The only intelligent thing:

If matter cannot be created or destroyed, that means what you are has always existed and will always exist. So what makes pre-existence and post-existence different? In the words of the late, great Mark Twain, “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”